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Adversity

Jun. 19th, 2007 | 07:25 pm
location: Japan
mood: desperate
music: Beatles "Penny Lane"

You know what?  I quit.  I tell people about my lack of faith and I'm constantly told that I'm closed-minded and I need to stop being so judgmental.  I'm tired of all this adversity.  It's so hard being the only one here who doesn't believe in god.  I have no one to talk to about it, and my friends think my "beliefs" are ridiculous. (so I was told yesterday by a Catholic) How much a pain in the ass I am and how intolerant I am of their religion.  

One called David Mills "Atheist Universe" propaganda.  Couldn't I say the same thing about the bible?  I feel so alone and outnumbered right now, and incredibly sad because it seems that there is nothing I can do here.  These people look at me like I'm completely lost and out of my mind.  I think I'm just going to keep quiet about it until I get out of the Navy.  This is not the time, the place, nor are these the kind of people I want to get in to theological discussions with.  I need a mentor!!!  I can't do this by myself anymore.

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Survival of the species

Jun. 17th, 2007 | 07:33 pm
location: Japan
mood: thoughtfulthoughtful
music: "Violin Concerto No.4" by Mozart

So I told Nate the other day how hard it is to not believe in God, and I think I explained my misery to him sufficiently, because he just looked at me and mentioned that he must be missing that something that enables a person to just let go of belief and let themselves wander free.

I told him that I felt religion is just something to fill the spaces for the average person.  I imagine it can be scary to let go.  To accept that there is no purpose.  It's hard for me, and I've never believed.  Science is the answer, of that I'm certain.  

So why am I so concerned with the fate of man kind?   Purely for instinctual evolutionary reasons, I'm sure.  It's amazing to think that the only reason I care about other humans is for the survival of the species.  It's certainly not because there's a god up there who says that's the way it should be.  

And what about love and intuition?  Yeah, there's a scientific explanation for those, too, also having to do with survival of the species.  It's kind of exciting to knowing the biological reasons behind everything I do.  It makes it so much easier to know myself, but again, I still am having problems letting go of my "ego".  The part of me that thought it had control.  There is no free will, I see that now.  My conciousness is merely a passenger. 

Did you know that every one of our cells has a living bacteria inside of it called a mitochondria?  It's a whole other world when you're that small, so what makes us think that we're in control?  So we know how to manipulate matter and use it to our advantage.  But it all still belongs to the earth.  When our species gets wiped off the planet (which it will) life here will go on.  The earth will heal itself, and some other amazing life-form will reign supreme.  It's been happening for billions of years before we got her, and will keep happening for billions of years after we're gone.  And the fallacy of religion will exist no more, because other, more primal animals are not capable of "belief".  God will cease to exist as soon as we do, and life will go on without us.

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Unweaving the Rainbow

Jun. 17th, 2007 | 07:28 pm
music: "digital love" by Daft Punk

So I just recieved Richard Dawkins "Unweaving the Rainbow" and the very first paragraph is a quote from a man named Peter Atkins:

"We are the children of chaos, and the deep structure of change is decay.  At root, there is only corruption, and the unstemmable tide of chaos. Gone is purpose; all that is left is direction.  This is the bleakness we have to accept as we peer deeply and dispassionately into the heartof the Universe."

Wow!  Is that totally not what I was writing about the other day?  That empty, drifty purposeless feeling? 

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Utter Discontent

Jun. 17th, 2007 | 06:14 pm
location: Japan
mood: discontentdiscontent
music: Aphrodite- Urban Junglist

I need to find a sympathetic soul.  Someone on my "level".  I'm tired of feeling so fake all of the time, tired of pretending.  Tired of feeling like I need to be happy.  The other day on the train, on the way home from a night of dancing, my tired brain grabbed a hold of and held on to that usually fleeting comprehension of what the "beginning" to everything means.  You know the feeling that you can get only sometimes, when your brain momentarily grasps the "beginning" and it feels as if your whole being just for a moment is connected to everything in the universe?  Well, I had it on the train coming back from Shibuya that morning, and I held on to it for a long time, which has never happened before.  I pulled it apart and turned it this way and that, just examining it from every angle, including what it means for me.  At how pointless my existence is and how trivial it all seems, pretending that all of it matters.

It doesn't mater.  I'm still going to die, no matter how I live my life.  Does it matter if I try to meake everyone happy, or to stop global warming?  I'm not going to be around when the planet is destroyed, so why should I care?  It doesn't mean anything.  The odds of us being here are just so astronomically not in our favor, so what gives us the right to think we're so damned important?  We mean nothing.  Humans are like a virus, replicating and destroying everything it touches.  And so many of us go around pretending to know what's important.  That we know what it's all for.  Well, we don't have a fucking clue, so stop making stuff up.  All this Jesus crap and "eternal life".  

It's hard not believing.  I'm constantly having to reaffirm in my mind why I don't believe.  Not because I think I might one day believe, but because I never before understood why I didn't believe.  I've always not believed, even as a child, but I never gave a thought as to why.  And now I think about it all the time.  Life was easier before I started asking why.  I've started on a journey of scientific and self-discovery.  But I know I'll never have the answers, and that bothers me.  It may also be why I feel so unsatisfied with my life now.  

Now that I know why I'm not important, I'm having a hard time getting rid of my ego.  I still want to believe that there's a reason I'm here, that I can make a difference in the world.  Hence the feeling of hopelessness.  If there's no point, why do I try?  Why am I wasting my life with such meaningless trivialities?  I should be feeding my "soul" with logic and reason instead of pointless courtesies and fake smiles.  It's so depressing to watch everyone go about their meaningless lives, believing everything that's handed to them, never wondering why.
I
'm tired of being like that, and I'm tired of pretending.  I need to find my calm spot again.  My life is getting too out of my control, too much of groping around in the dark, trying to find my way, wondering who shut out the lights, when the whole time I've just had my eyes shut.  I've had these moments of clarity before, but I always seem to forget, and I let myself get caught in that flow of ignorance that most people swim in.  And everyday I'm more unhappy and disgusted then I was the day before.  And instead of figuring out why, I'm just blaming it on everyone else.  Well, that seems to be the easy thing to do, but it doesn't solve anything.  I need meaning in my life, and fast, but where do I find it?

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(no subject)

Jun. 17th, 2007 | 05:41 pm
location: Japan
mood: discontentdiscontent
music: Slipknot

Why can't I be happy?  Maybe because it feels fake.  I'm capable of smiling and being nice to people, but I have no tolerance for stupidity or bullshit right now.  So why do I have to be such a bitch?  It feels good being a bitch, though.  I might be wrong, but I don't want to be right.  So what's going to happen if I'm mean to a few people today?  Is "god" going to smite me?  Will Karma catch up with me and make my life hell?


I'm so dissatisfied with everything.  So discontent.  I need a change.  I feel like I'm not in control of my life anymore, that everything I do, the Navy is always there hovering over my shoulder, watching and influencing everything I do.  I'm tired of talking about it and I'm tired of thinking about it.  I'm tired of not being able to do what I want to do whenever I want to do it.  I dread each day.  My free time is spent being depressed that I have to go back.  To those same egg-shell white "p-ways", the same square room with the same retarded people.  All the rules and instructions, inspections and regulations.  The qualifications and training and musters.  All the cleaning and PTing.  I don't want to wake up at 5:45am and go run around base three times a week.  I don't want to wake up early on a weekend and go stand "duty".  I'm not real here.  I'm just a number that gets paid twice a month.  It doesn't even matter if I'm not good at my job, just so long as I'm here on time everyday.  

It's a Saturday night, and I'm in my room, ready for bed soon because I have to work tomorrow.  And then everyday after that for the next fourteen days.  Yes!  How can anyone possibly fool themselves into thinking that the Navy is a fulfilling way to spend your life?  And what makes it even worse is that six of those days are going to be spent staring at the pier.  Does that make sense?

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Agnostic vs. Atheist

Jun. 17th, 2007 | 05:26 pm
location: Japan
mood: unsettled
music: Gorrilaz

Agnostic: of or relating to the belief that the existence of god is unkown and probably unknowable.

Atheist: one who denies the existence of god.

So am I agnostic?  Look what I wrote earlier: "I'm sure there is no god, but not 100% sure.  There is the possibility that there is a god, but I'm sure there isn't one."  Isn't that almost the same as the definition of agnostic?  Or does that mean atheist?  Can I entertain that I'll never know if there is a god or not, while at the same time denying gods existence?  
I want to be atheist.  I am atheist.  I don't believe any of the religious dogma, nor do I turn to a "god" for guidance.  Religion seems attractive, but probably only because I don't empathize with theists beliefs of hell, sins, purgatory, etc.  They have beautiful artwork, magnificent architechture, and inspiring music.  But yet religion strikes fear into the hearts of millions of good people, closing their minds to scientific reality and turning them in to the very things the church says they shouldn't be.

There is no doubt in my mind that all religion is like a poison on the minds of all it reaches, and I will never entertain for a moment the thought that religion might be good for me.  So can you have spirituality without religion?  Does Atheism have room for spirituality?  Do I have room for Atheism?  I don't believe in god, but I still leave room, no.  I don't.  You can't call spirituality "god".  It's science.  It's impossible.  We, as humans can only understand about this world what our brains are capable of comprehending, and from what I know about quantum physics, there is no "god".  

It's amazing, yes, and incredibly mystifiying, quantum physics, but there is no one being controlling it.  The universe is like a humongus perpetual motion machine!  It doesn't need a creator, or something there to help it along the way.  It's self-sustaining.  
Know the difference.

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The God Delusion

Jun. 17th, 2007 | 03:58 pm
location: Japan
mood: thoughtfulthoughtful
music: Deftones

So I'm nearing the end of "The God Delusion" by Richard Dawkins, and I'm considering reading it again.  It's really got me thinking about where I lay on the Belief Spectrum.  I'm 100% sure there is no god.  Or, let me rephrase that without the percentage.  I'm sure there is no god, but not 100% sure.  There is the possibility that there is a god, but I'm sure there isn't one.  

And for the first time today, just a few moments ago, I, for the first time, actually saw science for what it was, minus the mysticism.  Everything was so clear to me, and for a moment, I understood that there is nothing up there.  And I want that back.  I want to feel that sure again, but I don't know how to get there.  Okay.  I found it again.  

I've believed for a long time that everything is connected, and that's true.  Every atom has an electric charge, and every atom is capable of producing energy.  I believe that with the power of your mind, you can manipulate this energy, be it conciously or unconciously, you can affect matter around you.  Let's start with what's observable: Heat.  Our bodies are factories, all of our billions of little cells working together, doing whatever it is they do, and creating heat in the process.  Through decay, friction, whatever.  So me leaning against this bulkhead right now is making the bulkhead a little warmer.  And you can see that, and feel that.  Flourescent lights release a ridiculous amount of high energy photons, and that is also something we can see, and feel.  Or at least I can feel, anyway.  Like the time when I was assaulted by Bobby's TV.

But what about other kinds of energy, the kind we can't see?  Like the kind that you can feel when you walk into a room where everyone is in a bad mood?  You can feel that.  So what is it?  If I walked into a room blind-folded, would I still be able to feel that, or is that dependant on my sense of sight and hearing?

What about that feeling you get when someone is starting at you?  Invisible energy, or does it have something to do with the eyes?  Maybe it is the eyes.  After all, why would Ronnies contacts bother me so much? (he wears colored contacts)  And what about love?  What about that feeling I get when I'm around certain people?  Like when I don't trust someone, or when I'm really attracted to someone?  You can't see or observe that in anyway, with any kind of sensor.  But that doesn't mean it's not there.  There has got to be some kind of energy flowing.  

So the question is, why am I so quick to attribute it to some kind of "supernatural" force, even though I have a vast understanding of the nature of matter and the way everything works?  My atheism contradicts all those things I just listed.  Or does it?  Is there a way to make sense of it all?  My scientific brain knows that it's all energy, that there are planes of vibrating energy thart my three-dimensional brain can't see, but I know they are still there.  Is that what's happening?  A part of me is able to tap in to that energy, but the human part of me wants to cal it "supernatural' even though I know it's well within the realms of scientific possibility.  There is not a supernatrual being somewhere controlling all of this.  Nor can you call this flow of energy "God".  There is no one listening.  But I believe you can train your brain to sense that "supernatural" energy and really use it to your advantage, just as long as you have a good heart and a healthy mind.  

So if I know it's there, why is my mind so poisoned right now?  I'm so angry all the time, and I'm finding it so hard to get along with anyone anyumore.  I feel like withdrawing into myself again, but I can't.  I need to heal my soul, but the Navy won't let me be anti-social.  I was so miserable and alone for so long, and I don't want to be like that again.  I need to be strong, but I've lost a part of myself and I don't know how to get it back. 

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Where is my mind?

Jun. 16th, 2007 | 08:17 pm

"I hurt so bad inside, I wish you could see the world through my eyes, each day is the same, I just want to live again."  So says Jonathan Davis.  That is exactly how I feel right now.  I am so so tired.  It seems that everyday it's just getting harder for me to be happy.  My fucking soul is crying for life.  I feel like I'm suffocating here.  I just finished another 13 hour workday, and now I have to stay up until midnight for some bullshit, not to mention I have to get up at 530 tomorrow morning.  

I'm so tired, and I'm frustrated because I can't find the words to express it.  What happened to me?  I used to be able to express myself so clearly on paper, and now I just feel repetative and washed up.  Like I'm trying too hard to write something interesting.  Which I'm sure my ability to write is something I've lost here.  I haven't kept a regular journal for years.  Since I became "social".  But I was always miserable before that.  Quite anti-social.  Which made me think that it's writing in my journal that turned me off from people.  But maybe that's not so bad.  I've heard everything the people here have to say, and it's becoming incredibly repetative.  Like I'm having the same conversation over and over again with the same people.  Listening to people complain about the same stuff, everyday.  And no one trys to help themselves, they just want to complain all the time to you, thinking that you actually care, when nobody else seems to.  

And maybe I do care.  Or maybe I'm too involved in myself to give a shit about everyone else.  I have no time for myself anymore.  (so where does that leave me?)  And when I do find time, it's never long enough to start really figuring things out.  I'm starting to remember how it used to be, my talks with [insert name here].  About the troughs and peaks of my life.  About how things will be going well.  I'll be happy, and then I'll slowly start to lose it.  And I start thinking about how fucked up everyone is around me, and how it becomes harder for me to play their game.  How fake everything starts to look, and how much people pretend to be so happy and cool.  

And then I realilze that I've lost touch with myself again.  That I've completely forgotten who I am, because I've veen so concerned with everyone else.  My mind filled with so much clutter, that I don't have room for what's important.  So begins my ascension.  The "soul searching" if you will.  The time when I start being selfish and worrying about me and what's so wrong with my soul that I'm pissed off all the time and irritated by everyone.  I could say "it's not them, it's me" but that would be a lie.

But like I figured out last time this happened, my "episodes" are becoming less frequently, but I'm not sure if they're becoming easier to deal with, because I can't quite fully recall the depth of my emotions from last time.  But at least now I can recognize what is happening, and what needs to be done.  And I always come out of this a better, stronger person.  I just don't know how I'm going to do it this time.  Maybe that's why I've picked up my journal again, to help me through this.  I need to get out of this place, and find people who are looking for the same things as me.  

And it is so frustrating to have it all inside, with nowhere for it to go.  To not have anyone who understands.  Or maybe what I'm looking for is someone further along than me.  Someone to give me advice who has been where I am, someone who knows what the next step is.  To get me out of this rut I'm stuck in.  To lift me up and out, because I sure as hell can't do it by myself.

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Bill O'Rielly

Jun. 16th, 2007 | 08:03 pm
mood: Dumbfounded

Bill O'Rielly is a hypocrite and is a poster-child for all the closed minded ignoramouses in the world today.  Man, this religious shit really irks me!  John Edwards presidential campaign is over because two women said some offensive things about the Virgin Mary, yet the Religious Republican dude is a proven racist and homophobe, yet no one is attacking him!  And when this woman pointed out O'Reillys hypocrisy and one-mindedness, he peristently interrupted her and avoided the obvious.  Guilty!  How did this mans show become so damned popular?  There is so much wrong with this world! 

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The defining moment

Jun. 16th, 2007 | 06:54 pm
mood: irritatedirritated

February 14th, 2007

So there I was, lying on my bed with my eyes closed (i share a room with three other girls) just trying to relax on my last evening off work when in bustles the room my wonderful roommate (insert random name here).  Let's first take a look at what I would have done had I walked into a quiet room and seen my roommate sleeping (and I'm quite sure you'll agree!) I would have first off, made sure to close the door quietly.  Having done that, I would have then done everything that I needed to do after that in a considerably quiet manner.  Thinking the whole time how much I would not want someone to be lousd when I was trying to sleep. 

Oh, wait!  It was me trying to sleep!  And it was her who had come into the room, from the sound of it, trying to be as loud as she possibly could just for the sole purpose of waking me up.  So I lift my head up from my pillow to see what the fuck was going on, and after being satisfied that there wasn't an apocalypse going on, I turn my head to the side and cover it with my pillow so as not to hear that wonderful sound of wet food squishing around in her open mouth (yuck!)  When all of a sudden, I hear: "you need Jesus".......what?  Is that the answer?  Is that what I've been searching for my whole life?  The answer to all my problems?  Is Jesus going to prevent you (meaning her) from having an attiitude all the time and chewing your food with your mouth wide open?  If I find Jesus, can I go around and hit people in the head with blunt objects when I don't agree with what they say?  [which she has done]  Will Jesus help me become tolerable of other people and to understand that not everyone is the same and sometimes we do things that bother others and when we ask someone if they have a problem and they say "yes" to not get pissed off at them?  Because he doesn't seem to be helping you! [her]  So you just go to church and pray for us that we get Jesus in our lives instead of sitting down and admitting to yourself that maybe there are things about yourself that you need to improve.

She, who has Jesus is:  Intolerable of my non-belief.  Confrontational.  Prone to immediate physical violence.  Disrespectful.  Inconsiderate.  Spiteful.  And these aren't just some minor character flaws.  These are glaring, readily apparent everyday facets of her personality.  I rarely see her smile, or laugh or ask a person if they need a hand.  Maybe she has TOO MUCH Jesus!  Maybe it's like when you take too much of anything that makes you feel good!  You start to feel like shit and you become moody and irritated.  

I don't have Jesus in my life, and I have a wonderful disposition.  I am liked by everyone I know, with the exception of this particular individual who for some reason thinks I'm a far right-wing conservative.  And if that's his reason for not liking me then 1. He's an extremely closed minded person who seems very confused about what's really important, and 2. I obviously need to take a look at what political party I associate myself with, because if he considers himself liberal and is willling to shun me socially because I "appear" to be Republican, then there must be more liberals like him, and I don't particularly want to be associated with such a closed minded group of individuals.  

See!  That's why I love life so much!  Everyday I learn something new about myself and my world.  Like today I learned that you can OD on Jesus.  Invaluable!  So she tells me that I've been disrespectful and inconsiderate.  And call me a hypocrite for not considering that maybe I am doing these things.  But I know I'm NOT.  I've been told by my other roommates that they don't even know when I'm in the room.  So how can she tell me that I'm being disrespectful?  I'm so confused!  Her mind works so unlike any other I've ever met before, and I'm intrigued!  She does not know that she is being loud, or inconsiderate when she stands naked in front of the TV and puts lotion on, because in her mind, thse things are not rude!  See!  Look at me being tolerant!  (oh, but it's so damned hard!) When I walk into the room, my first consideration is for the others in the room.  Not the case with her as so proven by this comment: "when I walk into the room, I ain't even thinking about you." So she said during our heated discussion that immediately took place after her comment about Jesus.  

And it's kind of funny it happened when it did, becuase I was just reading a book called "Letters to a Christian Nation" which subject matter revolves around how crazy religious people are.  I seriously need to find some intelligent people  to talk to because I seriously need to be reassured that there are some reasonable people out there.  
I try to be tolerant, but I have trouble understanding how most people can readily and unquestioningly believe in that which seems so obviously absurd and untrue to me. 

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